How we sound, what we say, whether we joke or take everything seriously, gives people insight into who we are. For instance, when my sister and I realized people couldn’t tell our voices apart on the phone, we had a blast pranking boyfriends. People who are good at picking out regional accents know I’m mostly a Midwestern girl, but also hear a slight east coast Hoagiemouth (I grew up in Philadelphia). I tend to ask people a lot of questions—people fascinate me. And I like to kid. I enjoy making people laugh. You might say this is my voice.

Likewise, a character’s voice tells the reader a lot about them. Finding that voice is tricky.

A Character’s Voice

Years ago, I struggled to understand how to craft a character’s voice and even wrote a short story called “Daniel’s Voice” as a parody. But now, I’ve finally gotten the hang of it, thanks to my daughter Caitlin. Caitlin is one of my critical readers for The Devil Particle Series. She pointed out that the narrator (and main character) in book three, The Runner, sounds just like the narrator in books one and two, even though they’re different people.

Paul Salvage’s Voice

Here are the first two paragraphs of book one, The Devil Particle, narrated by the protagonist Paul Salvage:

I leave the Child Depository an hour after it’s wise to be out on the streets, but someone dumped three little kids at the back door, and my supervisor freaked out—I couldn’t desert her. She knew I wanted to get home to find out if I’d been accepted into the Vessel Trials, so after I cleaned up and fed the first kid, she said, “Go, Paul, I’ve got this.” Seeing that it was one o’clock in the afternoon, she added, “Be careful.”

As the door to the depository closes behind me, I step into the muggy day. A hot wind blows trash across the street, empty except for one city guard. He watches me from the corner. An AK-47 is slung over his shoulder, and he’s fingering the Bowie knife in his belt. I try to make my movements as nonthreatening as possible. I slowly pull out my phone and text my dad and brother to let them know I’m coming home. Then I keep my head down and walk in the crumbling gutter away from the shadows of the abandoned buildings and the watching guard.

Paul sounds like the seventeen-year-old he is when he uses words like “dumped” and “freaked out.” But he’s not real big on slang, instead preferring more formal words and phrases like “desert her” and “nonthreatening.” He’s also conscientious, a hard-worker, observant, and worried, possibly scared.

Gaige Devlin’s Original Voice

Gaige Devlin narrates book three, The Runner, and is an impetuous goofball—a very different person than Paul. So, his voice needs to be different. Here is the original beginning of The Runner, before I sent it to Caitlin for her feedback:

It’s almost one, and it’s a hell of a heatwave, but I’ve felt hotter. I know what it feels like to melt.

I gather folders from my kitchen table and push through the back door into the afternoon heat, not bothering to lock the door behind me: no devil particles, no burglaries. I’m heading to the Salvage’s house with the Department of Peace paperwork for the reverend. Paul, the great Devil Particle Vessel, will be there, too. I’m not looking forward to seeing him. We were never the best of friends but became closer during the Vessels Trials. We had to get through them.

 

I saw him Friday night and can’t believe how much he’s changed since the implantation. He’s colder, arrogant, and almost robotic in his emotions. The guy creeps me out. But I promised his dad I’d bring over the paperwork, and I always keep my promises.

As Caitlin pointed out, Paul’s and Gaige’s voices sound the same. So, I’ve spent the last month going through The Runner manuscript. I examine each word, imagining myself to be an irreverent seventeen-year-old boy, and decide whether he’d use that word. It’s tedious, sometimes taking me an hour to get through three pages. But it’s worth it.

Gaige Devlin’s Revised Voice

Here are the revised paragraphs:

It’s a hell of a heatwave, but I’ve felt hotter. I know what it feels like to melt.

The air conditioner struggles to keep my kitchen cool. It throws a random blast of air into the room, ruffling the rumpled papers stacked on the table. I wrangle the documents and shove them into overstuffed file folders. My organizational skills still stuck, not having devil particles hasn’t fixed that. Luckily, Reverend James Salvage overlooked that when he asked me to assist him with his new Department of Peace.

I’m headed to the Salvages’s house for a 1:00 p.m. meeting with the reverend, and I’m running late. I’ve been goofing off, wasting time. It’s because Paul, the great Devil Particle Vessel and the reverend’s son, will be there, too, and I’m dreading seeing him again.

 

When I saw Paul on Friday two nights ago, I was blown away. Implanting all the world’s devil particles has totally changed him. He’s better looking, sure, with biceps to kill for, but he’s like a cold, cocky robot. Guy creeps me out.

Is this an improvement? I think so.

And by discovering Gaige’s voice, I have a better understanding of his character—he’s quite a kid.

Your thoughts?